Why my family is FROM Kansas

Hello loyal readers - boredom has driven me to action. Sorry for the delay. Where to begin? Ah yes, Colorado. Flew into Denver and drove down to Colorado Springs. Thanks largely to an hour at the rental car counter that ended with "Give me anything with at least 3 wheels!" I had to make what I'm told is a very pretty drive in the dark. Irritated. Woke in Colorado Springs to two revelations. 1) There aren't many trees in Colorado Springs (wtf?) 2) Yahoo Weather is run either by washed up Grateful Dead roadies with a ouija board or someone with a sick sense of humor. So as I stood on my balcony wearing shorts and all 5 T shirts I brought willing myself not to shiver in 40 degree weather I admired the view. First of all, I really do like Colorado but to be honest I like the view in Arizona better. Anyhoo....after I got work done I realized "Wait a moment - this is a rental car!" So it was off to Pike's Peak. I'm sure there is a reason that Chevy Blazers aren't competitive in world rally racing but it's not from any lack of effort by me. I'm sure the view from the top of Pike's Peak is spectacular - couldn't tell you. All I could see were clouds. And at 14000 feet the hike from the car to the gift shop was a feat. As I walked in I enviously eyed the 90 yr old woman wheeling around her oxygen tank. Don't feel bad for her, she put up a hell of a fight. I don't even think she needed the tank. Half way down the mountain I went for a walk in the woods. Real woods, not the tree farm garbage we get in the "forests" in Arizona. Then I realized that after my knee injury of last year I really couldn't run from anything that wanted to eat me and my only weapon was an oxygen tank. Time to go.

On the way home I stopped at Cave of the Winds. Mainly because the last time I was there I was 4 and it's a kick to relive memories that old. Unfortunately the cave has shrunk drastically since I was 4. Dangerously so. As Captain Caveguide narrated our approach to the narrowest point in the tour, "Tall man's headache, Fat man's misery" his eyes settled on me as he got to the last syllable in "Misery". Fuck you spelunker boy! You better hope I get stuck cuz that's your head start! I made it - with centimeters to spare - and my anger had abated by the surface. Who knew that this would be the highlight of my week.

The next day I hit the road for Kansas. Where exactly you ask? Who cares - it's Kansas. Somewhere between "East Bum-Fuck Nowhere, Kansas" and "Slightly Less East Bum-Fuck Nowhere Kansas" I was pulled over by one of Kansas' finest. You can't help being nervous when you get pulled over. Thoughts race through your head like "Ok Ryan, get your shit together and relax and he'll have no reason to look for the kilo of coke in the trunk. If he does hit him with the oxygen tank, disable the camera and throw the body next to the coke and we make for Ole'Mexico!" Then you realize, "Wait a minute, I don't have any coke." According to Barney Fife he pulled me over because a trucker radioed him to say I looked "sleepy". Ummmmm......what? 8 hours sleep and 64 ounces of diet coke officer. Not sleepy. So he has me retrace my steps from the airplane to that spot about 3 times before he goes to run my information. 20 minutes I sit there freaking out. When he gets back I get to recount my trip another 3 times for him. "Didn't you say you flew into Colorado Springs?" "No, Denver - then I drove to Colorado Springs. Almost had me there Columbo." I should explain that it was 9/11. Can you blame him for thinking that I was an operative of the local sleeper cell of Scottish Muslims looking to strike terror in the heartland by driving a combine into the Dairy Queen? So eventually Ranger Rick let me go and it was off deeper into the Heart of Darkness.

One shining point in the whole Kansas experience that I have to point out. $125 in rural Kansas gets you a jacuzzi suite! I don't mean a tub with jets, I mean Stone-cold chillin, must find gorgeous twins with little to no comprehension of the US legal system to share this jacuzzi with me jacuzzi tub! 3 baths in 14 hours. I was pruny in places I didn't know I had skin. And then the next day it was back on the highway to scout locations for the combine Jihad. Allah Ackbar!!!

I won't drone on about the misery and boredom that flirted with desperation that made up the next few days. I'll just say this: If you somehow arrive hours early for an appointment in Kansas (like me) - GO BACK TO SLEEP! There is no alternative. Want to catch a movie - sorry wait till 4. Wanna have a beer - uh uh, try again. Drug yourself if necessary but just go back to sleep!

Honorable mention: It could be that I was in a good mood because I was about to fly away from Kansas but the last place I ate was a diner in Wichita and those ladies were a kick. I've never seen people have that much fun at work. Funny, relaxed, cool chicks. Don't get the wrong idea, they were ugly as sin so I wasn't influenced by impure thoughts. Just cool old broads. Thank you ladies for sending me on my way on an up-note.

Life Affirming Moments

As my last post mentioned I had a trip to Austin. Work-wise it was a stressful pain in the ass but this blog isn't about work and after 5'Oclock I'm off the clock. I usually do some work later anyway but the night is my own. Thursday was my last night in town and I told myself I was going out no matter what. 5th Street here I come! If you only have one night in Austin (or you pissed away the other 4) you have to go to Antone's. Stomping grounds for Stevie Ray Vaughn, Joplin, Muddy Waters - the joint has history dripping from the rafters. There was a show that night but didn't start until 8 (ish) so I had to kill time. Down 5th Street I wandered looking for a cool bar with music to chill. I had to walk 7 feet. Into the Lucky Lounge. Sort of a hip New York loft feel but no uptight pretense. The word "vibe" is often used and used badly but it really the best word to explain the difference between Austin and everywhere else - It has such a cool vibe. At the table next to me was a couple in their 50's or so having a great time. Standing to the right of me was a 20-something kid covered in tattoos having a great time. Behind me (thankfully) was a black man that looked like he could start on any NFL defensive line having a great time. All mixed, blended and squeezed into into a brick warehouse with lights and a stage. The only way to look out of place in Austin is to look miserable and/or rude. So it's past 8 and I trek back 7 feet to Antone's. Antone's is a stage and a bathroom. Speckled in between is a bar, a T-Shirt counter and a concrete floor. I tried to visualize Stevie Ray ripping it up RIGHT THERE on stage and couldn't fathom it.

"You mean he would just come in and play RIGHT THERE?"

"Ummm.....yes sir, that's what we use stages for here in Austin"

They had a point, I guess I just expected some kind of shrine but what better shrine to SRV can you have than a stage?

Act one: Big Frank Gonzales. The guy absolutely shredded! My jaw hit the floor. I have maybe a tenth the musical appreciation for guitarists that my brother does so I mercilessly texted him "YOU MUST BE HERE" and absorbed the well deserved "Pucker up Buttercup" texts that came back. People don't want to hear how much fun they could be having I've learned. Oh well, he got a T-Shirt. Everyone in there was there to have a good time. No one was there to be seen. Spontaneously couples between the ages of 25 and 65 would dance - and I did say couples, not the 55 year old former Eagles groupies trying to spot anyone in the bar who will still stare at their ass or 25 year old hippies that seem to just spin in circles trying to get the most out of their last tab of acid. Couples. And it was while watching one of these couples casually dancing the night away listening to great music surrounded by a hundred well-wishers that I had one of these moments you should try not to take for granted: "This is how the human condition should be." Drinking - not drunk, dancing - not dry humping on the floor, listening to music - not noises with lights. Any religious, political or any other thought process that disagrees with this is wrong. Note that I didn't say that they are different - I said they are wrong. Humans aren't meant to be miserable. They are made to sing and dance and laugh and then go back to work the next day. If you think your God disagrees then you think your God is an asshole. Your choice, but I don't want to be nearby when you tell him.