Those of you who are too young or are not gay and therefore have never seen any showtunes the title is a reference to a Broadway musical/showtune from the 50's. Why do I know it you ask? Ummmm.......let's move on.I have to admit that I was less than enthusiastic when I was given the task of working in eastern Oklahoma for a week. I've driven through parts of Oklahoma before and frankly it was similar to staring at a wall except that I had a steering wheel. I was pleasantly surprised when I got to far east Oklahoma to learn that it is very different than western Oklahoma. 1) There are trees 2) It's not flat. It actually reminded me of pictures of New England in spots. I kid you not, rolling hills and trees everywhere.
The people are ummmm....similar. To each other that is. Their idea of religious and political diversity is the chasm between baptists who love Rush Limbaugh and Episcopalians who favor Hannity. They will tolerate Catholics but only for yard work. So after an early blunder in common speech that suggested that there might be people not necessarily destined for eternal hellfire living outside of Oklahoma I kept my mouth shut. My ears I kept open.
Here's a bit of trivia for you: You might think that being the creator of the universe might mean that you have what most would deem to be "important" or "substantial" issues that might occupy your day. Not the case. As it turns out, after God created light and earth and all living inhabitants of the known universe he then turned his attention to the more trivial aspects of Oklahoman life. If you're late for work, just drop the G-Man a line because he is waiting by the phone. Want your son's report card to go up a bit - doors always open. Don't like the rain - well why didn't you just say so? God sits around all day with nothing to do like handle the astro-physics of planetary orbit or prevent genocides - he wants to know exactly how you want the local school board election to go. I didn't know this until I went to Oklahoma and found out just how many things get prayed for. I felt bad when a prayer was offered to get me to my hotel safely. "Look, I don't want God manipulating traffic lights for me while a meteor slams into Greenland. Let's just leave his dance card open so he can do his job and I'll just buckle up." It's was a lovely gesture though.
Sooooooo how to approach this subject delicately? What rural Oklahoma gains in natural scenery it sort of gives back in "natural scenery". I'm not saying women in Oklahoma are ugly it's just that......actually that's exactly what I'm saying. Now I'm sure this is offensive to the genuinely attractive women in Oklahoma but look at the bright side - anywhere else you aren't that attractive so just appreciate your circumstances. To those of you saying "Hey Ryan, you're no Brad Pitt" I say you are correct. But put me in a muumuu, shave off the goatee and throw me in a '84 Buick and I'll get cat calls at an Oklahoma convenience store. No make-up.
The highlight of my trip was getting pulled over for doing 73 in a 70. Unlike Inspector Clouseau in Kansas this guy was genuinely a nice guy. We just chit chatted for about 10 minutes in his car. Police cars are pretty neat from the front seat. I just think he was bored.
All in all if you find yourself planning a road trip that cuts through southeast Oklahoma don't avoid it. Beautiful country. But if you are looking for conversation bring a tape recorder and conduct mock interviews with yourself in character. I'll pray for your batteries.
