The Land that Taste Forgot

Hello loyal readers. This post will be more upbeat. Of course after writing about putting your dog to sleep dental surgery is upbeat. Last week was a trip to the Jersey shore. Never been and was looking forward to it.

Flew into Philadelphia (don't ask why) and hit the road for Somer's Point just south of Atlantic City. Learned that my GPS had somehow confused the Philadelphia Airport with a sewer map of Taiwan. After 15 minutes of frustration I turned it off and tried the coin toss method of navigation. Three 50/50 decisions all made incorrectly later I decided "Bridge = Leaving" and made for the green monstrosity in the distance. 15 minutes later I was in Jersey. Just as I crossed the state line KISS came on the radio. It was a sign, "Abandon Taste All Ye Who Enter Here."

The next day I drove up to Seaside Heights (sounds scenic doesn't it?) by way of Atlantic City. I wasn't really in a casino mood but I couldn't drive right through without even stopping. Las Vegas it is not. I went to The Trump Plaza to play some poker. Problem - there is no poker at the Trump. Are you kidding me?! It was like finding out there is no 6 foot rat at Disneyland. Walked a while and made my way into Caesars. If there was no poker there I would have called it a day. Unfortunately there was. Important poker tip: Diamonds and Hearts look very similar when you are seated on the end. Trip queens don't beat flushes no matter how surprised you are to see that the guy you raised three times has an Ace high flush. The whole table looked at me like they didn't know whether to laugh or give me a hug and a medal. My ego didn't need that. Took my last $12 in chips and limped away.

On to Seaside. My only real experience with coastline is California. There the general rule is the closer to the water the better so I booked my hotels according to this philosophy. One glaring difference between California and New Jersey however - California coastlines don't close for the winter. As I drove up to my hotel I thought I had wandered into a Stephen King novel. The whole place was empty. On the bright side parking wasn't an issue. I had to ring a doorbell to get the guy at the hotel to wake up. He looked up at me through his sleepy haze with the expression, "Seriously?" Only guest at a 4 story hotel - gave me a room at the far end of the fourth floor. Not a problem if not for the fact that the elevator was broken! I was about to go wake up Haji to share my opinion with his decision when I realized that it's a bad idea to accost people who have your credit card number. Glad I didn't because upon entering the room I got the best laugh I had all week (see pic above). Yes folks, that is a heart shaped jacuzzi for two. Complete with fully mirrored walls. As it turns out there really isn't a right way to sit in a heart shaped jacuzzi. I could have done with out the mirrors too - there are some angles one need not ever see of one's self.

Off to Brunswick. Away from the coast - "Hey, there ARE people in New Jersey". Actually there are a lot of people. Not enough roads unfortunately. Hard lessons in Jersey "roundabouts". Nothing I can't handle - once you've driven a while in Tijuana you can parallel park the space shuttle in Manhattan.

What I learned in New Jersey:

1) In New Jersey it is perfectly acceptable to sing along with Journey. In fact you can use it to introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you. "Actually I hadn't planned to stop believing sir, but thanks for the positive remarks. Please stop looking at me because I am not going to take the next verse."

2) In New Jersey if it's your turn to take the next verse in spontaneous karaoke and you fail to do so the bartender must take your turn despite whatever he is doing and you have now made yourself a pariah.

3) Air guitar, seated or otherwise, is a perfectly acceptable in public. If, however, you failed to sing your karaoke verse do not expect an invitation to play dueling guitars. This is too bad because air guitar, like yawns, is instantly contagious.

4) Although air guitar is acceptable public expression staring at those doing so is rude.

5) Although close proximity to 3 Jersey women using the volume of their voice to do battle is physically painful there is no amount of discretion that makes covering your ears and putting your head on the bar socially acceptable.

6) If a guy who looks like Dog the Bounty Hunter asks you if you think that a bar with a chainsaw theme has an unbeatable competitive advantage the answer is an emphatic "Yes"

7) When trying to communicate with someone from Hong Kong who learned English in New Jersey skip straight to charades. All attempts in verbal communication are futile.

8) People in New Jersey have no accent - the rest of the English speaking world just speaks incorrectly.

9) If someone asks you if you want their input in New Jersey they are not actually "asking" per se.

10) Smart: Bring plenty of change for the tolls in Jersey
Not Smart: Forget why you put a bunch of change in you bag and spend it on vending machines.


Overall I had a good time. Beautiful country, sociable people, expense account - all else is detail. Enough travel for a while though. Three weeks at home to look forward to. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!!!

R.I.P. Rug (1832-2007)

So today sucked. I had to put down one of my dogs, Rug. We don't know how old she actually was - I met her 15 years ago. It wasn't exactly a surprise but I had thought that maybe she was part cockroach and could survive a nuclear winter. This is a dog that went over a year without eating any dog food. True story. She was my Dad's dog and he took her to work everyday where she just stole food from the construction workers. She was nothing if not resourceful.

It's hard not to just remember the good things about her right now since I feel like someone donkey kicked me in the gut. Rug earned her name by having hair that rivaled Bob Marley when grown out and having a gift for sprawling exactly where you needed to step. When she was younger she could amuse herself for amazing periods of time by playing fetch by herself. She could chuck a golf ball about 15 yards given the space to do so. A 6 foot fence was merely a speed bump and she often got into my Dad's truck through the window. That athleticism probably had a lot to do with why she lived to be ummmm.....175? She could climb ladders - unfortunately only up. The best thing about Rug was that she was thrilled to be alive everyday of her life. She would roll around in the grass and then pop up covered in so much grass she looked like a sniper stalking a kill in a wheat field and just wag her tail. Not unusual I know but she did that EVERY DAY. She was thrilled to be alive.

Not a perfect Dog. She pissed wherever she pleased. Didn't like kids. Breath like napalm. Had chronic separation anxiety until I got my other dog. Whenever there was a thunderstorm I got zero sleep. She would shake violently and lay on my chest breathing her fire breath on me until I woke and tried to calm her down. Fireworks and gunshots got a similar reaction. I know that sounds endearing but not at 2am for YEARS on end!

Today Maggie (other dog) was searching the house for her. She would try to catch her scent and searched out all of Rug's hiding places, then she would come to me confused with her head cocked questioningly. I wanted to slit my wrists. I comfort myself in the knowledge that she is now in Doggie heaven rolling around in a pile of milkbones and......wait, scratch that, I don't believe any of that bullshit. Would be handy right about now.

She made me laugh. Sometimes I think on purpose. She had as good a life a dog could ask for. I'll miss her.