I Love Homosexuals

Got your attention didn't I?  If you don't read the rest of this you will be very confused.  It's an odd subject I know, but I'll explain.  A good friend forwarded me an email she had been sent that had links to 4 videos. 1, 2, 3, 4.  There are a lot of things in this world that I don't understand.  One that truly baffles me is fear and/or hatred of homosexuals.  Could anything be more benign?  I mean seriously, have you ever seen roving gangs of gays terrorizing a neighborhood redecorating and starting choruses to popular show tunes?  

There would be a lot of perks if I were gay.  Can you imagine combining hanging out with the guys and trying to score into one thing?  Talk about multi-tasking.  Even if you strike out the game is still on and you have half a pitcher left.  The problem is I'm not gay.  I wasn't born that way.  I am not interested in gay sex just like I'm not interested in shoving a toothbrush down my ear canal.  Gay is a choice?  You can't possibly be that stupid.  Though I admit I've never done it I'm going to go out on a limb here - gay sex is something you would have to be pretty motivated to do.  And for that ummm....discomfort, you have now ostracized yourself from mainstream society.  Ooh, where do I sign?  

What kills me is how people who have read about 13 words from the bible seem to suddenly find religion when the subject of homosexuality comes up.  You can be talking to a woman who has been to church 5 times in 10 years - 3 of which were her own weddings and was going down on 7-11 clerks for beer at age 15 but somehow becomes holier than thou about the word of God if you mention homosexuality.  All of the sudden scripture becomes literal.  Anyone wearing a cotton-poly blend doesn't have to be stoned and the NFL isn't evil for working on the sabbath but Ru Paul is the Anti-Christ.  I'm not buying it.  That can't be it.  9 times out of 10 people use religion to justify a decision they've already made, not to make the decision.  So what is the source?  For men the obvious answer is probably true.  They are threatened by the fear of loosing their manhood.  Pop quiz gents:  Does the idea of a ____ in your ___ sound appealing?  If so, you should check into that.  If not YOU'RE NOT GAY!  Not a lot of middle ground there.  You can get so drunk that you may wake up at a Denny's with a sweet and low packet stuck to your forehead but I guarantee you won't wake up spooning the postman because you had one jaeger shot too many.  As for women I'm not sure.  Their fear of being lesbian is probably the identical reverse for men being gay.  Why they don't want their kids to be gay I'm not sure.  It would be the benefit of the doubt to assume they just fear for what their children will go through.  Frankly I'm not buying that either.  They adore Gay Kenny at work but if their son comes home with a Cher album he finds himself in military school the next week.  I don't get it.

"So Ryan, you haven't explained the title yet".  Alright, fair enough.  Love is a strong term and I use it to make a point.  There are many reasons actually:

1)  I have no reason to dislike them.  I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality.  As limited as my sex life may be it is always with women and I really really enjoy it.  You hear men say they are comfortable with their sexuality but are clearly uncomfortable around homosexuals.  Sorry boys, it's a contradiction, get over it.

2)  They are awesome wingmen!  You know why you take a gay man with you to a bar?  Because you aren't allowed to bring kittens and the only thing women love more than gay men are kittens.  Excluding diamonds of course, but they just aren't cost effective.  Not to mention they are just good for the odds.  Last I checked boys and girls are born pretty much 50/50.  If you see 4 gay men at a bar that's 4 women out there somewhere that don't wanna settle for sitting home alone and polishing off a bottle of merlot. 

3)  Gay people take friendship very seriously.  The sad reality is that many (perhaps most) homosexuals don't have intact relationships with their families.  Add to that they have no kids and most aren't in a life long relationship.  Their circle of friends is their family.  If you become good friends with a gay person believe me, they'll never forget you at Christmas.

4)  They know what it's like to be judged.  When they dare to be themselves they do so knowing full well that they will be judged for it.  Now this is true of everyone if you want to be literal but not nearly so much.  Having felt the sting of judgement they are not one's to do the same.  

5)  Because no one is more wrongly persecuted and dammit that's just not right.  It was wrong 1000 years ago, it's wrong now and it will always be wrong.  Sometimes it's not easy to know what's right but most of the time it's blatantly obvious.

All in Good Fun

The reality is that I'm a simple creature. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Little things make me giggle and the quality of one's life can oft be measured by how often one giggles. I found another source of giggles and took full advantage.

Holy Hypocrisy Batman!

Ok, until now I've resisted making political posts but this is too much. After harping on Obama for his lack of experience NON-STOP our paternal pachyderms have nominated the president of a lesser known Alaskan PTA as vice president? This is too good. Let's recap shall we. Obama graduated first from Columbia then Harvard law. Was a civil rights attorney while volunteering in the inner city of Chicago. He then was a law professor while serving 8 years in the senate of a state of 12.8 million people. He has been a US senator much longer than Palin has been a governor. Here's some fun facts for you:

If Alaska were a city it would rank 20th in population among American cities
The population of New York City exceeded the current population of Alaska in 1850
There are more left-handed people in New York City than people in Alaska
There are 300k more caribou than people in Alaska
There are more bears than black people in Alaska
There are more wolves than Jews in Alaska
If every person killed 9/11 was an Alaskan Jew there wouldn’t be a yarmulke left in the state
There are more left-handed people named James or John in the US then people in Alaska

I could go all day. And how's that abstinence only education working out for you Sarah? I have no problem with wanting to have a big family - honestly I don't - but if you are 43 and want another child? ADOPT! Then your grandson doesn't have to sit in the governor's office trying in vain to explain the teletubbies to his uncle while his mom tries to score tickets to Brittney on eBay.

This is a woman who stood in front of a congregation and asked them to pray for a new pipeline as it was "God's plan". God is a little busy Cupcake so let me pass on a little message for you, "Stop bugging me was this selfish fodder. I didn't create the universe so that I can swoop in to grant your earmarks you sniveling simpletons. By the way, I wrote a book. Read it. ALL of it, not just the catchy quotes you pick up from your 365 day desk calendar."

I'm sure I've crossed a line (or six) with most of you. Comfort yourself in the knowledge that I am editing myself...severely.

Portland

Hello loyal readers. Ok it's been a while since I've written but the posters below count for something right? Been busy...really busy. A few weeks ago I made my first trip to Portland. Now as an accomplished road warrior I have all the tricks down:

-Sandals for getting through security
-T-shirt with pocket for keeping ID and boarding pass handy (luggage ticket on back of boarding pass of course)
-Check in online 23:59 hrs before flight to get best seat (check seatguru.com for secret best seats)

I could go on. Here's a couple to add to the list. When going to Portland PACK AN UMBRELLA OR AT LEAST A HAT! A humbling road warrior mistake. To compound the problem there wasn't a beanie to be had in the entire city of Portland. My ears get cold easily and once cold it's over. As you may have guessed it rained THE ENTIRE WEEK. For a smart guy I am pretty stupid.

Found a smokin' deal at the Hilton downtown so I was downtown on foot all week. Cool town. On foot I had to choose between dozens of restaurants and bars. From really old wood carved bars to ultra swanky contemporary joints. Went to my first fondue restaurant. Lessons learned: First, don't go to a fondue restaurant alone - it's like sitting alone in a heart shaped jacuzzi...which I've also done sadly. Secondly, skip straight to dessert. The main course is glorified cheese dip - dessert is a steaming pot of happy. I didn't feel alone anymore. It was so good I felt dirty. Portland is a beer town. Micro-brews everywhere. In Malibu you get dirty looks for ordering a beer. In Portland you get dirty looks for not ordering a beer. I never got a chance to test my theory but I am pretty sure that the kids in the park had a nice thick porter in their sippy cups.

One thing I have to say bad about Portland: I have never had so many people beg me for money in one week in my life (close second to San Francisco and Houston). What was really aggravating about it is that most of them were perfectly healthy kids in their very early 20's...if that. I would like to get my coffee in the morning without having to put up with, "Hey Big-Baller, spare a dollar?" from a 19 yr old girl. That's a quote - I couldn't make that up. At risk of sounding like my right-wing conservative friends I wanted to say, "No Moonbeam, I can't, unless you promise to invest it in soap to wash that rancid patchouli funk out of your hairy armpits."

Took a drive over the mountains in the rented Caddy DTS (piiiiiimp) to the shore (see picture above). Highly recommended. Monterey it is not, but it makes southern California coastline look like the kiddy pool at Sunsplash. Desert rats don't get to drive through snowy forests often either. Snow is slippery if you are curious.

Great town, great time, too many hippies. Definitely check it out if you get a chance. Come thirsty and bring plenty of singles...but not for the hippies...

I Crack Myself Up

The Internet is Dangerous

50,000 Milloinaire Hippies Can't (always) be Wrong

Ah Monterey.... Probably my favorite place in the world. This picture doesn't begin to do it justice. Any beautiful place you've been to you can forget about. Seen the Rockies? -frozen rocks. Been to the beaches of Florida? -muggy sandbox. Fall in New England? -dead leaves. There are beautiful places and then there is the central coast. Meg Ryan is a pretty woman but stand her next to Heidi Klum and she might as well be Roseanne Arnold.

My hotel was called Butterfly Grove because it is the largest butterfly sanctuary in America. A couple mornings I had to shoo away a deer from my car. There are otters and seals playing in the water below you and whales in the distance if you pay attention. The most beautiful golf courses in the world are there and the world's most exclusive auto show in the world is held ON a fairway. Are you getting my point? I could go on but I'm sure It's getting tedious.

Every night I soaked in my jacuzzi tub watching the fireplace listening to the waves crash and thought, "Who do I have to kill to live here?" If you made the list you'll know soon. I spent a lot of my spare time climbing around on the rocks looking in tide pools. Not something you can do in Arizona. On a drive south towards Big Sur I saw a sign that read "Coastal Access" that led to a footpath as it turned out. I have since written a letter to the Coastal Commission of California explaining that in the interest of public safety it should read "Coastal Access (not you fat boy)" During the parts when I was sliding down the hill on my ass I should have been thinking of how exactly I was going to climb out in loafers but I didn't let something as petty as survival instinct get in my way.

After my little brush with natural selection I stopped at Rocky Point Grill which is where I took the picture above. That has to be the most enjoyable beer I've ever had. I was overlooking the most famous spot on the PCH, glad to be alive (and picking gravel out of my elbows) and watching whales work their way north. You can't actually see the whales just their puffs as the cruise by in the distance. What was neat about that was watching the infrequent big puffs interspersed with the more frequent little puffs as the mothers guided their calves up the coast. Sigh.....

I've done the math and if I sell my condo and my car, sell my plasma weekly and adapt to a diet of ramen and Totino's pizzas I can afford to live in a converted port-o-john in Carmel. After a couple years I could sell and use the equity to move into a tool shed in Pacific Grove. If I keep it up by the time I'm 80 I can sell my condo and buy South Dakota. Plan B: Practice until I can do origami with my tongue and cruise the bingo parlors looking for a "sponsor". Don't judge me people - Anna Nicole Smith's husband looked like a turkey neck in a wheelchair.

Orange Diego

Today's entry is a combination of Orange County and San Diego. Are they the same place? - No. Are they close enough and am I so lazy that I'm not going to write individual posts - Yes. Come on, I'm not the first guy to squish similar places together - worked in Yugoslavia right? For a while anyway.

Let's start with a basic premise: L.A. sucks. What it lacks in hospitality it makes up for with pollution, traffic, expense and crime. Everyone in L.A. has some grand scheme that isn't working out somehow. And you, having stumbled into their lives through some cruel twist of fate, are dirtying their ambiance with your presence - or so their look tells you. "I said no foam Trevor - remember, great art comes from suffering so suffer your way over to the latte machine and try again. And here's a tip, take out the eyeball piercing before your next job interview."

That being said Orange County is not L.A. It does have some of the faults - Traffic can be rough and it is expensive. But traffic isn't that bad and it's not too insanely expensive. I spent a good chunk of my week at the Newport Pier. There's a great little bar/grill at the end of it. Primary difference between O.C. and L.A. is the people and that's what matters most wherever you go. I had so many good conversations there. And you feel legitimately welcome there. The J Crew model bartenders even invited me to go wounded bunny hunting Valentine's night. I've never been one for victimizing emotionally vulnerable women but it was nice to be invited.

San Diego is a beautiful city and holds a lot of fond memories. As a kid growing up in Phoenix San Diego was the obvious escape from the summer blast furnace. My first pro baseball game with my dad was in S.D., my first swim in the ocean was in S.D., my first visit to a restaurant more fun than Village Inn was in S.D. - I could go on. Stone brewery, bistro and gardens was awesome! San Diego zoo was a kick. Ocean Beach was a lovely collection of head shops and mostly naked girls strolling by. Killer mexican food everywhere. In short I could be very happy in S.D. - if somebody paid my rent.

When I find myself getting frustrated with California traffic I put on the shades, roll down the windows and roll back the sunroof to let the 75 degree salt breeze blow through and crank up the stereo. I'm gonna get sick of California if they keep sending me there...but not yet.

Vegas baby!

First let me apologize as I have taken procrastination to new heights in not writing for 2 months. No excuse. I finally turned my procrastination against itself and convinced myself that if I don't write I have to do something responsible.....like my taxes. Blog it is.

A few weeks ago I was sent to "work" in Las Vegas. Just to clarify: I was paid to go to Vegas on the company dime. Forgive my uncontrolled giggling. For the record I did do my job. Stayed at the Flamingo - can't beat it for the money. The view from my window were the Caesars fountains. The Bellagio fountains were a little to the left. Every morning my breakfast of a diet coke and croissant was eaten outdoors in the flamingo gardens 20 feet from the exotic bird collection and waterfalls. Sigh...... Though I do have one major complaint for the Flamingo: If one of the cheeses in your "Four cheese pizza" is blue cheese that is VITAL information that should be on the menu. If I am selling you daycare and I say we have four staff members to keep an eye on your kids I would tell you if one was Michael Jackson.

The unusual becomes commonplace in Vegas. You have to pay attention not to take it for granted. One night I was wandering looking for dinner in the Caesars mall and came across Wolfgang Puck's asian restaurant. I say "Asian" because there was a full sushi bar and full chinese menu too. I was one of 3 customers there. Probed the staff for local knowledge and recommendations. Nice conversation with the bartender and a waitress so sexy that 20 or so IQ points were instantly sucked from my head every time we made eye contact. Once I scared her away I was given the remotes to the plasmas and left to my stir fry - the best stir fry I've ever had. That is a normal Sunday night in Vegas.

Part of what I love about Vegas is that everybody is there to have a good time. I don't mean tetanus shot and bail money good time - just enjoy themselves. You meet lots of fun people. Though a downside is that every extroverted mouthbreathing dolt you sit nearby seems to think that being in Vegas means you want to talk to them. During the entire week not once did the phrases "So what do you do" or "Have you been winning" escape my lips. They didn't even cross my mind. And yet I can go into detailed explanation as to the progressively tragic vocational paths and gambling habits of about 5 people I ran into there. This is where iPods come in handy. I often leave my earphones in even if it's not on. Even that doesn't stop everybody.


So I had never seen a cabaret. Isn't that a reason in and of itself? I thought so. An hour and a half, $50 (not counting 2 $8 bud lights) later I had seen a cabaret...and wanted my money back. If you are nauseatingly wealthy and your wife keeps you under 24 hr surveillance yet seems to think a cabaret is somehow different than a strip club than I can see the appeal - maybe. Watching girls try to turn stripping into a performance piece was painful. The good news was that $50 is much less than the $130 it would take to watch a good show so in my mind I now had $80 to try something else. Plan B: Hypnotist comedian! Saw Anthony Cools' show at the Paris. THAT was funny. Unfortunately it was 'you had to be there' funny. Somehow watching someone audition for a porno under the impression that a chair is a beautiful woman is humor that gets lost in translation. And it was only $60. See - I saved $20! If you subtract the $20 from my gambling losses I was only down $80 for the whole week. This is the logic that keeps the lights on in Las Vegas casinos.